Sand Hill Slave

A few years ago, I walked into a firm renowned for having attractive women as their admins. The woman who interviewed me was very pretty. I couldn’t really take her seriously because as she went to close the door, I noticed that her skirt was so short that I could have sworn that her tampon string was poking out. Now, I’m mildly obsessive compulsive when it comes to strings on my sweater. I fight the temptation to pull them, lest I do more damage; when they are on other people’s sweaters, it bothers me so much that I ask them if I could cut it. Imagine my dilemma right then! In my universe, all I could see at that moment were tampon strings. The number one rule in Playtex Physics: PANTIES UNDER A MICRO MINI, POR FAVOR!!! Well, Slave Girl really pulled it together. She did not appear strung out. She behaved. Sort of.

Admin: It’s an extremely fast environment around here. We are very busy.

Slave Girl: I understand. So is it mostly scheduling/phones or are you working
on projects or presentations? Do you guys have to use PowerPoint?

Admin: Oh…we don’t use PowerPoint here. We don’t do presentations.

SG: Oh ok, well do you guys have to use spreadsheets in Excel?

Admin: No….I don’t even know how to use Excel.

SG: So the firm uses none of this stuff.

Admin: No, there are people who do that stuff here. Just not me because
I’m really busy supporting my partner and managing my assistant.

SG: Oh, so there is some work overflow; well, what kind of work do you
delegate to your assistant?

Admin: Delegate?? (Ten- cent word, Slave Girl’s bad.)

SG: What kind of work do you hand off to the other assistant?

Admin: Oh…she handles (insert partners name here) scheduling, travel,
and his phones.

SG: Which leaves you to do exactly what..? (SG having a “diarrhea
of the mouth/constipation of the brain” moment)

Admin: I oversee everything, coordinate with his pilot for his jet, making
sure loose ends are tied. (Slave girl bites lip HARD) Have you
managed private jet travel before?

Now, I answered yes, but let me explain what “managing private jet” experience entails:

All planes have a tail number. You call that into the airport FBO; Fixed Base Operator and then you arrange for a rental car or limo to be there; sometimes the FBO will gladly do that for you. That’s it. Done. HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT? I’ll tell you this, it’s A LOT easier than crawling through Orbitz trying to find a deal….

Admins that need to find deals for their execs that travel, especially at start ups or frugal VC firms, I respect you...it’s not fun. I know it. I’ve been through it. Assistants that say shit like “manage private jet travel” are morons. That whole sense of inflated self aggrandizing makes my eyes roll so far back into my head I can actually see my neocortex.

Jet travel takes all of 5-10mins to arrange and most of that time you are just put on hold. Because VC guy has the luxury of being in flux all the time, the only thing that might change (and change again, and again, and so on..) is what time is “Wheels Up”, which by the way, is the favored term for people who have jets.. because saying something like, “take off time is 7:00am” is too passé. (Yes…I’m sad and forlorn that I do not have a private jet at my disposal)

Back to the interview:

Regarding the partner in question:

SG: Can you tell me about his work style, his personality?

Admin: He’s a really nice guy…works hard, always busy, got along well
with his last admin.

SG: (Muttering under my breath) Yeah and I look like a Victoria Secret
model, have been nominated for a James Beard Award, and do the housework
in a sexy French maid outfit and stilettos.

Admin: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you…

SG: Oh! I was just thinking aloud…yes, so that’s great to know..what
else should I know about him? What did his assistant find as a
challenge in the job?

Admin: Oh that’s a great question.. let me think about that..(Slave girl can
see the wheel in Admin’s head spinning, but doesn’t see the hamster).
Oh! Yes…well sometimes he changes his mind. Sometimes at the last minute,
especially with travel.

SG: Is his travel schedul complex? Would I have to string together a
number of cities within one itinerary?

Admin: Yes, the travel schedule is extensive.

SG: What about meetings I mean does he oscillate back and forth with everything?
Scratch that. Does he have a hard time making decisions for everything?

Admin: (Pauses) Ummm..yes. I think…no he doesn’t….

SG: (Mutters) LIAR. (Clears throat loudly) Well that’s great to know.
Tell me about the team…

Admin: The girls are great. We work well together and as a team we really
make things happen.

SG: (BIG Smile) I’m sure you must pull a lot strings to get things done.

Admin: Definitely. (BIG grin from Slave Girl) If you were hired, the team
would report to both of us.

SG: I thought the admins report to their execs? Who do we report to?

Admin: You report to me. But, not very often as I will be busy handling my
partner…(Slave Girl wants to reach out and slap her.. but thinks
about tampon string and calms down immediately)

SG: I don’t report to my boss?

Admin: Well yes, him too.

SG: You are the de facto office manager as well?

Admin: Uhhh…

SG: Aaahhh fuck it. You’re a moron.

Ok, I didn’t say that last part (would that have been the greatest?!). But really, let me get this straight. You support one guy, there is a second assistant involved that basically handles everything, you sit around managing private jet travel and tying up loose ends but not your goddamn tampon. You are about as useful as a chocolate tea pot. You’re a fucking idiot. No wait. Actually, you are brilliant. You are the Paris Hilton of venture capital support. You sit around looking pretty and don’t do much and get paid well for it. All I’m stuck with is a great vocabulary. I need to make an appointment with my shrink.

Denouement: to my complete astonishment, I was not hired.