Sand Hill Slave

It’s that time of the year when VCs let their assistant know how they are doing in terms of performance. Assistants see this as the bonus/salary increase barometer. Partners tend to treat the importance of the performance review with the urgency of pre-emptive but very necessary heart surgery; like a triple bypass to make the workflow go more smoothly in your body of work. Yet in typical VC fashion, he’ll schedule it at a certain time and date, have it marked boldly on his calendar, and then suddenly, 24 hours prior, he will reschedule it. This is why they schedule the review mid-year in the first place; it’s got nothing to do with giving an assistant a chance to improve, should they need it. He’s going to cancel it so many times that by the time he actually gets around to it, we’re starting to get sick of turkey and cranberry sauce sandwiches.

In my case, partners always catch me for the review when I’m in the middle of something that has my complete and undivided attention.

Partner: I have time for that review now.

SlaveGirl: Okay, can you give me a few minutes? I’m wrapping something up...

Partner: Well, I’ve only got a few minutes- 

Sensing his tone, I immediately close out my YouTube window and scamper into his office.

After listing a number of areas where I need improvement, I do get some praise, and in the end, it feels weird- kind of like an axe-wielding executioner admiring my lovely slender neck. You might think I’m crazy…but my paranoia is not quite unfounded, given his swing of the axe:

Partner: I’m giving you a salary raise.

SlaveGirl: (Surprised) Oh…umm, thank you. 

Partner: Yes...I am, and it will become effective just as soon as you do.